Just A Piece

Vitali knew he would find Sasha here of all places, sitting on the roof of the apartment building they used to live in. No one has lived in it ever since the military took over for more space for their vehicles. They got kicked out for nothing because the area now looks like a metal graveyard, yet it still holds that feeling of nostalgia. 

Sasha looks over the empty lot with a bottle in his hand, unaware of his visitors. Vitali wraps the baby in his arms to not let any snow fall on him. He joins the former on the roof before he can finish his drink.

There’s an unfiltered urge to kick Sasha off the building. He has the audacity to feel sorry for himself while his child is only two weeks old. If it weren’t for Vitali, the baby would’ve been shipped off to an orphanage. 

“What are you doing here?” Vitali asks, voice dripping irritation.

Sasha burps before responding. “Vitali, my brother, I see you found my last resting place. Care to join me before I go to the other side?”

The former grabs the bottle from Sasha’s hands and throws it down the building. That’s not the only one though, he’s surrounded by different kinds of alcohol. There’s bottles of different brands of vodka and even American beer. 

“You look pathetic. Where the hell have you been?” 

“Around,” he mumbles as he tries to get up. 

He staggers and Vitali holds onto his arm, so the idiot won’t fall. However, once seeing the baby in his arms, Sasha shoves him away.

“Why do you have it?”

“Because you haven’t seen your child since he was born,” Vitali says, trying to hand him the baby. The former refuses to even glance at him. “And because you’re the only family he has left.”

“Luba is dead because of it. That thing is nothing of mine.”

“Don’t say that about your fucking child. It’s not his fault Luba lost a lot of blood,” Vitali reminds him. 

There were some complications. It all happened too fast. All Vitali remembers is doctors and nurses rushing in and out. Sasha would yell at anyone he got his hands on. The heart monitor made a lot of noise until the birthing wing fell into a graveyard’s silence.

Luba passed on. Sasha disappeared from the room. Vitali was the one to take the baby in arms. His mother didn’t get a chance to name him. 

“She died in cold blood.”

Vitali backhands him.

“Blyat” Sasha curses under his breath.

The baby cries from the sudden movement. Vitali cradles him to try and calm him down. The cries get louder and from the side, Sasha’s eye twitches as he clenches his jaw. 

Vitali puts the pacifier back in the baby’s mouth, but he spits it out. In another attempt, he begins to sing a lullaby he once heard Luba sing while she was pregnant.

“Sleep my beautiful boy, quietly the moon looks into your cradle…” Vitali sings. 

The baby calms down with each note until he falls back asleep. Vitali puts the pacifier back in his mouth. He can't help but smile tenderly at the child.

“Luba would always sing that,” Sasha says.

“Mm, he must recognize his mother’s song. Luba had a beautiful voice.” 

Vitali’s smile disappears as her final moments come into mind. Her face was drenched in sweat as she looked around in complete confusion. Her eyes rolled back and her mouth went dry. At one point she started to convulse.

She tried so hard to keep awake but her body gave out. Vitali didn’t think she could get any paler than she already was. The only colorful thing in that hospital room was the blood that came out of her– white linens bathed in it, the medics’ gloves, and even the floor. 

He tries to keep a straight face while he blinks away tears. He still has nightmares of that horrific scene. All he sees is Luba’s weak expression just as her body went limp. He witnessed it all outside the window of her birthing suite.

Vitali kisses the baby’s forehead before looking back at Sasha. As he does, there’s an expression on the latter’s face that he’s never seen before. He stares at Vitali with emptiness in his blue eyes that glaze over, and his rough features soften.

“What is it? Why do you have that look?”

“You can have him,” Sasha says.

“What? What do you mean I can have him? What are you talking about?”

Sasha grabs Vitali’s shoulder, his eyes in delirium. “Take my place as its father. Ever since it came out of Luba, I hadn't touched it. He’s been in your arms already, that makes you the father.”

“Do I need to backhand you again? He’s not my child, he’s yours! Take the responsibility because you’re the only one who can do it. How dare you say such a foolish thing?”

He waves his hand dismissively, “I will be a terrible father. But you, you’d be great at it. Luba would’ve agreed with me.”

Vitali grimaces. “The alcohol is messing you up. Stop spitting out garbage. What makes you think I can replace you? ”

“Because you know how to take care of people. You’ve always been that way.”

“Sasha, being kind to everyone doesn’t mean anything. It certainly doesn’t make me a good parent.”

“It most certainly does. Remember when I got in a bar fight with some German tourists?”

“Of course I do, moron. You get into a fight with anyone you think is a German, then I have to clean up your mess. That doesn’t mean I can look after a baby, you’re doing it,” Vitali demands as he tries to hand over the baby to Sasha. 

The latter pushes the baby back towards Vitali. 

“Then do it for Luba,” he said, the emptiness returning in his eyes.

Vitali scoffs in utter disbelief. “No, don’t. Don’t you dare to use her against me. He’s yours, do not deny him.”

He fails another attempt to hand over the child. Sasha, instead of pushing him away, takes a few steps back. 

“I will not accept something that killed my wife.”

His voice strained as he spits out words dripping with hate and resentment. He glances down at the baby, a darkness sweeping over his rough features. 

“That way you can finally have a piece of her,” he mutters.

Vitali flinches. “What do you mean?”

Sasha smirks scornfully. “You know exactly what I’m saying, Vitali.”

Silence falls between them, heavier than the snow piling around them. The flickering lamp post gives off noise until it fades out. Vitali squeezes the baby against him. His legs shake from the anxiety rising in his chest.

He swallows hard and looks down, “I don’t know what to tell you.”

“You don’t need to. I’ve known for a long time, brother.”

Vitali looks up, surprised, “You’ve…known.? About Luba and I-”

“Of course I did. When you love someone, it’s impossible to hide it. No matter how much you try,” Sasha says as he sits back down on the edge. 

He takes out a flask from his coat and drinks. Vitali hesitates to go next to him, so he stays where he is. The air around Sasha is unrecognizable. There’s no sense of hostility or sadness coming from him.

“Why didn’t you say anything to me then? Why let me be a fool all these years?”

Sasha sighs as he stares off into the distance, “Because you’re my family, I have no right to tell you who to love, even if it’s the same person. Besides, I don’t think it’s easy to just fall out of love with someone after two decades.”

“You’d be surprised how many people do just that.”

“You already proved it. Your heart has always followed Luba since we were eight years old.”

“You forget that I’ve been with other women, Sasha.”

“None of them stayed. Except for Mariya, she took me by surprise. You lasted almost a year with her until we took a trip to Moscow.”

Vitali shakes his head as he looks over at the distance. “She broke up with me before the trip was over. I never got a reason as to why she left me so sudden. To be honest, I really cared for her. I thought maybe she could be the one for me.”

“But she just wasn’t Luba.”

The former bites the inside of his cheek. Sasha continues. 

“When I was out taking a smoke, she came running up to me while everyone else was asleep. Did you know about that?”

“I didn’t. What did she say? Does it have to do with why she left me?”

Sasha nods. “I think she was crying because her eyes were really red. I asked what was wrong.You know what’s the first thing she said? 

“What?”

“She said, ‘Vitali is in love with Luba’. And I answered, ‘Yes, I know’.” He chuckles. “She yelled at me for not doing anything. She got even more pissed when I told her she was just a distraction, even though it was true.”

Vitali snaps. “She was more than a distraction, you son of a bitch. I wanted to love her.”

“But you didn’t. You just couldn’t. Otherwise, you’d drag her into your mess. What would’ve happened if she saw you look at Luba the way you do after having a family together?”

“Sasha, why are you telling me this now? Are you trying to make me confess my sins?” Vitali’s frowns, his voice cracking.

Sasha looks up at him with tears running down his face. He smiles as though he doesn’t feel any pain. Seeing him in such an odd state made Vitali let go of his own sadness.

“Of course not. But because I touched her first, I want you to take the place that should’ve been yours.”

“Don’t say that. It’s not mine to take. It never was.”

Sasha gets up and holds Vitali by the shoulders. “Listen to me, we’ve been impoverished together with widowed mothers. We starved together. We served in the military together. We protected each other with our lives. Nothing would make me happier if you do, as my brother in arms.”

“That’s the alcohol talking. Take your son before we all freeze out here,” Vitali says. 

Again, he tries to hand over the baby to Sasha. The baby, once again, is rejected and pushed back to Vitali. Although, this time, it’s gentler than the first. Sasha’s tear-stained face and empty eyes scream that he’s given up. The light in him faded away. 

In all his years of knowing Sasha, Vitali’s never seen such a begging expression.

“Please, let me repent for the pain I’ve caused you by giving you the cause of mine.”

Vitali looks down at the baby. His cheeks are red from the cold that’s catching up to them. 

“How can I do something like that? This will never replace Luba…” 

He looks up at Sasha and knows deep down that there is no convincing him. For the sake of the baby not freezing to death, he’ll reluctantly accept. For now.

Vitali relents with an exasperated sigh. “What will I tell him when he asks about his real father?”

“You will say nothing about my existence. You will tell it that you and Luba are its parents.”

“He looks like you. He won’t believe me.”

“Then say that he looks like Luba and hope he’s not ugly.”

They both laugh, agreeing that Luba was the one with the looks in the relationship. At least there’s some hope he’ll grow into her looks as he gets older. 

“What will you name him?” Sasha asks.

“I’m not sure yet. It needs to be fitting for a strong and beautiful little boy.”

“I’m sure you’ll pick the best.” Sasha smiles and pats Vitali on the back. 

“I still want you to help me choose. At least give him something of yours.”

“I am. My best friend.”

Tears well up in both their eyes. Quickly they wipe them away. Despite all the suffering they went through together, they refuse to shed tears in front of each other. For the sole purpose of not wanting to seem weak. Of all things.

The latter starts to walk towards the stairs. It wasn’t the conversation he expected, but there was a bittersweet end to it. He ends up becoming a father in the most unexpected way. He’ll be sure to love this baby with all his heart.

Excitement suddenly grew in Vitali. He thought of all the things he could teach him and how he can show him off to other people as his child. He could tell strangers about his mother and pretend as if they were the ones married. 

“Let’s get going then. We need to get warm or else we’ll-”

A gunshot suddenly cuts through the air, interrupting him. The sound makes him deaf as a ringing goes through his ears. He can hear the muffled wailing of the baby. His surroundings become blurry.

The sound came directly behind him, followed by a heavy thud. Vitali falls on his knees, unable to breathe as his chest gets torn apart. The tears fall on their own without him needing to push them out. His body did not let him turn around for fear of what he might see. 

The ringing dies out and the baby’s cries fill the air. Vitali hugs him tight and rubs his back. He trembles as he crawls on his knees towards the stairs.

“Don’t cry, my sweet child. It’s alright, papa is here. Papa is…right here,” he whispers before allowing himself to drown in tears.